the happy conservative

Obama says I’m bitter, and therefore I cling to my Winchester and my Bible because I can’t understand why jobs have left my home town of Tarkio.

I had a Sergeant Airborne who would say “Alright, I’ll play your game. I’ll play it. I’ll play along.” Struck fear in my heart. That’s how I got out of the plane; if I didn’t, I was gonna have to play his game.

But I’ll play the bitter game. Clearly, bitterness drives people to the First Baptist Church in Tarkio. All those crying babies and joyful singing, I can feel the bitterness when I walk in the door. Just seeping bitterness. I usually bring a shovel to church, just so I can get through the piles of bitterness to the pews. Pews that are just full of bitter people, praying about their bitterness. And smiling at each other across the aisle and shaking hands and greeting each other joyfully. But in a bitter way. Talking about all the kids they decided to bring into this bitter world. Bitterly.

The same can be said of the hunters. Oh, those men with guns, what a bitter bunch. Heading out to the sticks with their bitter expressions to take out their bitterness on poor, harmless turkeys and deer. Clearly, I would rather hit the deer with my Stratus. It’s a Dodge. Of course, I have to drive a Dodge because my bitterness drives anti-trade sentiment.

But that’s where the folks in Tarkio send most of their bitterness. Abroad. It just generally happens to ride around in trucks filled with millions of bushels of corn and soybeans, which are also going abroad. And we’re bitter about that too, because we’re much rather sell those corn and soybeans to the needy folks in the South side of Chicago, where people aren’t so bitter as we in Tarkio, MO.

I guess my bitterness also drives hate for people not like me. Well, this one is probably true. I hate people who don’t work hard, who expect the government to solve their problems, who seek through destruction of social norms the dilution of values that I hold dear: my marriage, my family, my accomplishments won with sweat and tenacity, rather than my ability to point to how my ancestors suffered. These people, who aren’t like me, argue that people suffer because they are underrepresented or unfairly treated. I say these improvements are not Pareto improvements; do not take from me to give to them and tell me I shouldn’t feel bitter.

Don’t worry, while I’m busy being bitter at church I’m giving out of my bitterness for those in need.

But conservatives should be happy. As I’ll explain in Part III, it’s much easier to play the game when the rules don’t depend on the situation.